Some minor basketball news today with a bit of a unique twist. According to the status alert on his ESPN bio page, Chris "the Birdman" Anderson has agreed on a one-year contract that will be bring him back to the Denver Nuggets, this time as a lesbian.
Somewhere in the world, renowned hooping transvestites Jeff Foster, Bonzi Wells and Mike Miller are downright furious, or excited.
This is clearly a strange time for Brett Favre, he's visibly confused, hurt, distraught and apparently pretty lonely since retiring. OK, make that reeeeeeeeeally lonely.
Disturbing audio can be found here, but you've been warned, this isn't for faint-of-heart.
Let's hope he can get the necessary help he needs.
Let's Play The Feud: The WNBA Edition (Awful Announcing)
The sly Barney Coopersmith in action (YouTube)
Legendary wrestling manager Captain Louis Albano celebrated his 75th birthday Sunday night and in appropriate rowdy fashion, fists and beer bottles were thrown and the inevitable laundry list of assault charges were filed, with the alleged guilty party being former mediocre wrestler, Jim "Sandman" Fullington.
Well the Hernia mole, a huge wrestling fan with a knack for landing invites to such prestigious events as this, was lucky enough to be there and filed the following juicy report on the booze-soaked gala:
- Rowdy Roddy Piper got so drunk he forgot to change the questions once Jimmy Snuka was pretty sure he had the answers
- Hulk Hogan got so drunk he let his son Nick drive him home
- Hillbilly Jim got so drunk pregaming at home he showed up in an Armani suit
- Yokozuna got so drunk he ordered a salad
- Earl Hebner got so drunk he actually screwed Bret Hart
- Ric Flair got so drunk he confused his flesh for a fancy leather jacket and handed it to the coat check chick
- Slick got so drunk he only porked three barmaids
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan got so drunk he ordered a martini and used Mean Gene to stir it
- 'Chico' Santana and Jesse Ventura got so drunk they finally hugged it out
- Mr. Fuji got so drunk he sprinkled green mist in his own quesadillas, sending himself to the emergency room
- Macho Man got so drunk he made out with Adorable Adrian Adonis
- The Ultimate Warrior got so drunk he was reduced to a mediocre warrior with flabby tits
- Sgt. Slaughter got so drunk he arose from his grave (he must be dead too, right?)
- Lord Littlebrook got so drunk he drown in a puddle of Big John Studd's spit
- Ted DiBiase got so drunk he left his brief case filled with $10,000,000,000 on the bar
- Jimmy Hart got so drunk he didn't drink out of his megaphone
- Bobby the Brain Heenan got so drunk he shook hands with Hogan
"I don't like lousy shots. You wasted a possession... for nothing. Now I think it's time to waste you."
Other than this rare, out of character Stallone-like moment for Yao, along with his new penchant for purring like a cat, all reports out of Hangzhou seem to indicate he's having a great time playing with China's basketball team.
This imaginative, abstract photo of Blazers first round pick Jerryd Bayless has us wondering what direction the NBA is headed with these publicity shots.
They've certainly taken it up a notch here in terms of creativity and certainly have us believing he was on an actual court when this was taken. We say genius.
But just what are they trying to convey here with this artistic shot, shrouded in mystery and intrigue?
Here's what we came up with:
Even the Monarchs stunned mascot Monty (2nd from right), is understandably beyond horrified.
We're willing to put anything down that this puppet sounds exactly like the Lucky Charms pitchman, Lucky the Leprechaun.
The best part of this is Barkley, who simply cannot hold in the laughter as he gets closer and closer to that all-important third lid. The only way this could have been any better is if Bol was greeted by a heartily laughing Mutombo, whose head would naturally be surrounded by a giant pile of cookie crumbs.
Last night Bob Costas chimed in with a "Hey, it's me, Joe six-pack" comment during HBO's Town Hall meeting on baseball when he resoundingly encouraged the argument that if us zany sports fans are the one's footing the taxes for all these new stadiums, the ticket prices should sure as hell be affordable for said taxpayers.
An admirable argument for sure, but when the thunderous applause rose from the audience as exhibited above, it was as if all of Bob's 6th grade four square demons had been exorcised, and all the embarrassing wedgies and bottled shame had fled his body like Uncle Lewis's uncommitted toupee.
Guy looks like he's about to catch a fly. Take it down a notch there little fella, your take wasn't exactly mind-blowing.
... is hopefully sweating out the alcohol after a late night at Flashdancers
... kissed a girl, and he liked it
... kissed a guy, and is scared because he liked it
... is sweating because Pujols, Zambrano and Berkman all farted at the same time
... just found out the size of Prince Fielder's pants
... is stressin' hard because he just found out Alyssa Milano 'knows' Utley and Uggla too
... accidentally straightened the bill of CC's hat
... just got a glimpse of Matsui's porn collection
... just got a glimpse of Tim McCarver's eyebrows
... has just been charged with 19 counts of child pornography
One of the hometown all-stars who started last night's game was Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. The self-tanning slugger was gracious enough to hang around for a whole five innings before putting on his suit and conducting postgame interviews, just a mere ten innings before the game's completion.
Where the hell was he, you ask? The drunk Hernia mole is on the case with a plethora of rumors:
- Created 'Fusilli A-Rod' and then sat on it
- Yoga session with DJ AM
- Built a spacious cushion fort in his penthouse
- Late Oompa-Loompa substitute in Broadway version of Wizard of Oz
- Sushi with Nicole Bass
- Played with Dark Helmet's action figures
- Went home to send erotic emails to Papelbon's pregnant wife
- Updated his facebook page with pictures from the game and sent a hug to Jeter
- Humped Josh Hamilton's bat
- Went to get frosted tips on his pubes
- Late night squat workout and sparring session with Serena Williams
- Went to grab some wings with new 'bro' Spencer Pratt
- Zima pong with Carson Kressley
- Played laser tag with his dong
- Teeth whitening blast followed by Moonboots shopping spree (seriously, what was up with those cleats?)
Fox's Ken Rosensquirrel, former star of Dorf on Golf, continued his frequent jack-in-the-box pop-up antics during last night's MLB All-Star game, springing from the camera pit to spew various trade reports and rumor mill-type material while generally freaking the hell out of everyone around him, particularly the guy behind him who chewed on his hand in sheer disbelief.
Rosensquirrel, who stands 2'7" and weighs 32lbs., was equipped with a special tiny Fox microphone along with a special tiny squirrel sportcoat provided by the same company that designed this special tiny life vest for the minuscule reporter when he showed off his water skiing prowess just a few years back.
Later on during the broadcast, the lively announcing duo of Tim McCarver and Joe Buck shared an awkward laugh when Rosensquirrel popped up right between their heads to discuss McCarver's awful glasses, an impressive feat considering the two were standing so close to one another that it appeared they might Thump N' Bump.
There is dumb and there is stupid, then there is out of your mind retarded, and Jonathon Papelbon, you certainly win the prize there, so FUCK YOU, you fucking moron.
Your latest quotes about closing the all-star game are some of the stupidest comments I've heard in a long time. Do you know anything about baseball? Do you understand numbers? Did your father educate you in a barn while he was butt-fucking some sheep and your mom was out on a “date” with cousin Jerry?
Saying you should be the closer over Rivera in this game is ridiculous, your ERA is double Rivera’s (1.03), you have four blown saves, he has blown ZERO, and you have seven walks to Rivera’s four. Now in case you were wondering, in pitching, lower numbers are better, you dumb fuck.
This quote is unreal: "If I was managing the team, I would close," Papelbon said. "I'm not managing the team, so it don't matter." Well stated. Rivera, whose second language is English, can formulate a more grammatically correct statement than that.
Then, you dumb hick, you go on to talk about last year and how you earned it: "We've both earned that right; us, by winning the World Series and having the opportunity of having our manager there and our team being represented, and Mariano by what he's done for this role, we're in Yankee Stadium and blah, blah, blah," Papelbon said. "It's not that easy. Everybody thinks it's a cut and dry answer, but it's not."
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