The Sports Hernia Blog

Dinara Safina becomes first pregnant woman to reach Wimbledon semifinals

Attention Rangers Fans: This is Evgeny Grachev skating in a circle

Seriously.  This video came from the New York Rangers page on NHL.com.  It's five minutes of top prospect Evgeny Grachev skating around in a circle, set to a dazzling musical offering that could only be described as "rockin' jam session."  If this doesn't have you fiending for more of Grachev, perhaps the next video installment will have him speaking or something. 

And don't worry, if this upbeat, travelin' kind of tune has inspired the sudden urge to play Excitebike, Rad Racer or Pole Position, you're not alone.

However, we must admit, it's hard to get past the opening drum explosion, as we've restarted the video roughly 15 times.

Later today on NHL.com: Grachev eats

Tonight: Grachev sleeps

Tomorrow morning: Grachev adjusts his balls while getting the paper

Hawks coach Mike Woodson and GM Rick Sund can barely contain their excitement

Yes, the Jamal Crawford era has officially begun for the Hawks.  Good luck, Atlanta, and enjoy those two blistering 50-point games to go along with the 80 other nights where he shoots 3-for-18.

Sund's inner monologue: "Goddamnit, I'm gonna have to buy a lot more basketballs."

Crawford's inner monologue: "Does this mean I get to meet the Real Housewives of Atlanta?"

Woodson's inner monologue: "It's 105 degrees in the ATL, I ain't wearin' a tie for this shit."

Report: Cheerleaders to be extinct by 2012

According to a Yahoo Sports article, cheerleading is the most dangerous high school and college sport on the planet Earth, narrowly beating out 'Night Roof Pool Diving' and 'Drunk Kangaroo Boxing':

"The new numbers are for the 26-year period from the fall of 1982 through the spring of 2008:

• There were 1,116 direct catastrophic injuries in high school (905) and college sports (211)."

The SportsHernia investigative team took a deep dive into this report, and here's a look at the 10 most common cheerleading injuries:

1. Head lodged in jumbotron
2. Severed labia from extreme splits
3. Close range shirt rocket decapitations
4. Trying to suck own dick during backflip
5. Boner fracture from catching flying cheerleader
6. Smile-induced facial muscle tears
7. Spontaneous combustions
8. Sodomized by rival mascot
9. Unfortunate Nair accidents and glitter abrasions
10. Sitting on hidden spy cam

The Most Dangerous Sport: Cheerleading [Yahoo! News]

Count Yahoo's Gordon Edes as throughly impressed by Mariano Rivera

While certainly not shielding his true thoughts, Edes still took a far classier route than the New York Post's Larry Brooks, who recently penned a bizarre offseason piece entitled "Hey Rangers: Get Fucked And Die Soon," an article the cantankerous writer slipped past his editors once again by writing "Seriously, Fuck all of you Fuckers" over and over using the sneaky Wingdings font.

USTA bans Germany's Sabine Lisciki from smiling at Wimbledon

Just where exactly is Citi Field?

- Mordor
- Hell
- That 'parts unknown' place the Undertaker hailed from
- Right next to the house in Poltergeist
- Atmosphere of Mars
- This is actually just Wyatt's house in Weird Science
- Sixth ring of saturn
- The Chili Peppers Californication cover, but flipped
- In Vigo's mind

Robinson Cano snatches up "Awakenings" catch of the year

Welcome to the draft war room of the Los Angeles Clippers!

Where the hell are we?

Did we somehow enter the offices of Daniel Clamp?

Why is everyone so enthralled with watching themselves watch themselves on screen?

Are those laptops even plugged in?

Are those binders just filled with takeout menus?

Who's the asshole that SuperSized their meal just to get that 96oz. plastic cup?

Is that big white board just a list of teams they'd rather be working for?

Or is it simply a list of nicknames for Mike Dunleavy's wang?

Why is that bald guy in the back left wearing an eye patch on his ear?

And for the love of christ, what happened to then, and when will then be now?

Ricky Rubio: Dazzling point guard, even more dazzling chameleon

Here's Ricky Rubio some time last week, sporting the classic "attacking hornet who's just discovered ecstasy and basketball at the same time" expression.

***

And today, where he's taken over the Yahoo! Sports page as the Ashton Kutcher version of Teen Wolf.

Looking forward to tonight, where he's sure to walk up to the podium wearing disco ball earrings, a blinking Rainbow Brite suit and looking like Zac Efron on Jolt Cola.

The Ultimate NBA Player

Just hours away from the 2009 NBA Draft, the SportsHernia staff began to wonder, what would the perfect basketball player look like?  If one were able to combine the skills and unique talents of hoop legends, what would the NBA's Ultimate Player actually consist of?  After thoughtful consideration, it was really quite easy.

BEHOLD!

1 - Manute Bol's right leg
2 - Shawn Bradley's left leg
3 - Jack Sikma's perm
4 - Oliver Miller's abs
5 - Yinka Dare's vision
6 - Mark Madsen's rythym
7 - AC Green's will
8 - Kelly Tripucka's chest hair
9 - Danny Schayes' shoulder/back hair
10 - Popeye Jones' looks
11 - Roy Tarpley's nostrils
12 - Ben Wallace's touch
13 - Jeff Ruland's knee
14 - Rasheed Wallace's gray poof
15 - Sharone Wright's toned arm
16 - The nutritional savvy of Frank Williams & Lamar Odom
17 - Mutombo's wang
18 - Eddy Curry's drive

From the Royals to the Marlins to becoming the lost soul that is Ross Gload

We have no idea what's bothering Ross Gload but one thing we do know is that if this picture could speak, it would be telling you, "duuuude, that totally wasn't cool, man."

Otis Nixon makes triumphant return to Atlanta as stadium usher

Unorthodox coach stretching the bounds of what's reasonable

It appears as though Phil Jackson and his 10 glamorous championship rings are considering coaching from the luxury of his custom made, Indian leather La-Z-Boy chair in the plush confines of his LA palace.  And really, why the hell not?  Mike Lupica has been covering sports for 10 years from the comfort of his Greenwich, Connecticut mansion, so if he can do it, the Zen Master can.  He can even coach with his ass cheeks from inside his Teepee-shaped bath tub if he feels inclined to do so.

But with that will come copycats, as some NBA coaches have already begun to piggyback the idea:

Don Nelson to coach from inside giant martini glass.

Stan Van Gundy to coach from inside King Kong's armpit.

Mike D'Antoni to coach from inside ravioli-filled jacuzzi.

Gregg Popovich to coach from undisclosed beard growing location.

Lawrence Frank to coach from 3rd grader's desk.

Flip Saunders to coach from Kramer's cigar lounge.

Vinny Del Negro to coach from 80s sitcom.

Doc Rivers to coach from Super Dave Osbourne stunt site.

Devoted football fans turn Vikings press conference into Mystery Science Theater

This amazing photograph tugs on our heart strings as we yearn for the day in which even our richest clients wear actual viking gear to the big company meeting.

[No photoshop work here, this was part of the Yahoo! NFL gallery]

Angered by yet another crappy fish tie, Yankee fan brawls in front of daughter on Father's Day

Even better, someone copped a feel of Vinny "Superfly" Snuka's wife:

Yankees-Marlins Fan Brawl Reveals Truth Of The Human Condition (Deadspin)